I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
