Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
