If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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