this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
