I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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