I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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