The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
We just shotgunned beers for America
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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