my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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