it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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