Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
