Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
