i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
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I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
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The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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