I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
