I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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