And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
