I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
