btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
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There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
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He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
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