hotel room ftw
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Randomize
