My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
