You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
