We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
