1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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