i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
i think my cat just said my name.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
