the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Randomize
