i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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