For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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