youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
