I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
