the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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