I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
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