At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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