We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
