I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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