i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
