my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Randomize
