Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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