somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
