My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
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