I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
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She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
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Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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