a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
