I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
