She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
