What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
