remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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