Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
