i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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