all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
