So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I would ride that face into the sunset
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
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