I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
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