remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
