when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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