Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Randomize
