i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
they're like a gay fantastic four
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
My ass is underappreciated
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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