Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Ladies don't puke and tell
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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