How'd it feel making her break her religion?
People with herpes should wear stickers.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
