I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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