You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
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