Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
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