Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
